Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Saturday, September 04, 2010 at 9:55 AM
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Vampire's Pledge of Honor

Friday, June 25, 2010 at 7:55 PM
I pledge my allegiance and loyalty to the Royal Family of Vampires. I give my mind, strength, and body for their use, however they deem necessary. May my life be given in sacrifice for their defense. Should I ever betray this oath, I forfeit the gift of rebirth for the icy touch of eternal solitude. For you I feast. For you I starve. For you I live. For you I die. Noctis Finis.

Your fidelity is accepted and our gratitude is given. You have our protection and our love. For you we feast. For you we starve. For you we fight. For you we bleed. For you we live. For you we die. Noctis Finis.

Some Time for Me

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 at 9:22 AM
I feel the warmth of sunlight
As it shines upon my face.
I taste the salty water
As I lie here in this place.

I hear the chirps of little birds
As they sing up in their trees.
I feel the life in all the grass
As the blades tickle my knees.

And all the world is peaceful
In this place that’s just for me,
There’s nothing now to worry about
Just calm serenity.

But soon the magic’s over
And my eyes open to see,
The many different people
Who always seem to need me.

My advice is always better
Than some stranger who’s next door,
And my time must be so special,
For they’re always wanting more.

And I will always give it
For that is who I am,
And I’ll never know how doing it
Has ruined all my plans.

And though I may remember
That place made just for me,
I never shall return there
For people just won’t let me be.

It’s not that I don’t love them,
Because I truly do,
It’s just I want so time for me,
Don’t you?

-Lisa Henderson